East High spotlight: vol 30 no 10

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HEAR YE
APRILE FOOLE GAZETTE
Vol. XXX, No. 10
Denver, Colorado, Thursday, March 23, 1944
Price 10 Cents
Columbus Finds America
Killers Knife
Julius Caesar
March 15, 395; Romeo, Italy—By
wires of the Unintelligible Press Assn.
JULIUS CAESAR, FAMOUS SOLDIER, statesman and Roman emperor
for five years, was brutally stabbed in
the back today as he left a bitter session of the Senate. He died in a police
ambulance an hour later, while on the way
to the Roman General Hospital.
As he fell, the dying man was heard to exclaim, "Et tu Brute," which has led witnesses
to believe that his assassin is his former
friend, Lucius Junius, known to most as
"Brutus." Police are now searching for Brutus
in the vicinity of the Gallic border, where he
has been sighted.
Mr. Caesar is particularly well known for
his successful campaigns in Gaul and for the
widely read book he wrote, telling of his experiences while there, which begins with the
stirring line, "Gallia est omnis divisa in partes
tres." During one summer expedition, Mr.
Caesar and his forces conducted the difficult
invasion of the British isles, quickly subduing
the enemy with superior tank and air forces.
Since then he has done much for the capital
city, and for his territory, instituting free
comedies at the local stadiums, and chariot
races twice a week.
Mark Antony, his friend, will fly to Rome
tomorrow, to deliver a farewell address for
Mr. Caesar in the Forum. He is expected to
have a definite statement on the whereabouts
of the assassinator, Brutus.
Caesar was stabbed 39 times and although
he fell at the foot of Pompey's statue after
the 57th stroke, the ruthless desperadoes, however, continued their chiseling.
Nero Gets Hep
In Hot Session
Romeo, Italy,—January 24, 647 B. C.
NERO, THE EMINENT VIOLIN
VIRTUOSO, gave forth with one of the
"HOTTEST" performances of his entire career, at the Coliseum tonight.
At a press conference after the concert, Nero laughed fiendishly and told
reporters, "There'll be a hot time in
the old town tonight." He then left for his
fashionable palace near Rome in his super-six
chariot with fluid drive.
For many years Nero has thrilled the hearts
of Roman music lovers and is reported to be
the girls' "Sizzle King of Swing." Nero also
runs the local political machine in his spare
time.
In a recent interview Nero said, quote, "I
feel that if you can finish this
statement satisfactorily in 2,000 words I will
guarantee to send you a box of Fluffy Flakes,
the fluffiest flakes for the fewest cents."
Nero is planning a brief trip to the United
States for the purpose of voting for Mr.
Roosevelt, after which he will return immediately to Rome. The reason for his immediate return after voting is summed up thusly
by Nero, "Well, I'm dreaming that some day
Eleanor will come and rub noses with me too."
Local Boy Makes Good . . .
Pictured above is Chris Columbus, the
Italian umbriago, sent to discover this
country by Isie and Ferdie of Spain.
Strong Man
Gets Clipped
Dromedary, Persia. — February 30,
100 B. C—IT WAS ANNOUNCED TODAY AT National-Draft Headquarters
that Sampson, the nation's number one
strong man and long hair boy, had been
captured by Delilah. The full details of
the plot that clipped Sampson's curly
locks, the symbol of his strength, have
just been revealed.
It seems that Sampson was walking by a
crowd of people listening to Frankie McSwur-
gle croon, when Miss Delilah swooned. Sampson, doing just what any other man would do
if a beautiful woman fainted at his feet, hurried to pick her up—and—call a doctor.
While he was thus engaged, Delilah slipped
a "micky" into his bottle of Pepsi-Cola and
after taking one little drink Sampson was
out for the count. It was but the work of a
second and the nation's number one draft
dodger was given a G. I. haircut and was on
his way to Fort Dix for basic training.
Delilah's new assignment for the government was not revealed but it is believed she
has been handed the job of helping to catch
Hose Nose.
a\mi.ino |  mi■ \\
Nuttingham, England.—June 32,1428
—ROBIN HOOD, ENTRANT FROM
THE WOODS OF SHERWOOD,
emerged victor over Archibald Who-
don't, representative of the palace ladies, in the annual archery tournament
held yesterday at the King's palace.
•osmpqojv ^Hl
jo araoq oxft UIOJJ uo[o;s  po^iodoj; sum  sdiu
-.nil poAjtsswd ut 000'000'T$ %**& ¥»J *m
o% ^qnop ou anp si srqj, *q.oqs 3q pmoqs poojj
uiqoa yev$ sirei ^booa^oj jo qstuo aaddn aqi
Suoure SuimoxS si Sutpaj %vx$ paoiumi si }i
'jqaoayoh \iood aq3 jo uoidureip oirj sb sjboa"
}SBd otft Suunp uoi^ni3oDOJ poureS SBq pooj[
Italian Eagle
In New York
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS, explorer and adventurer, arrived in New York
City at 10 a. m. yesterday morning. Although his ship the Santa Maria docked
three days ago, Columbus was prevented
from landing by a serious attack of sea
sickness.
With sirens blowing, a police escort of 100
motorcycles preceded the great man as he pedaled his bicycle up 5th Avenue en route to his
suite at the Waldorf-Astoria.
•paq sn{ uo aybj oq sb sjo^jodoj o^ ^uoui
-moo Suraioui pooS s,snqunqo3 sba\ 4/punojB
pus punojB sooS pfJOjW. ayo^j oqi ui Suiq^
-a^ioao yam uoraido oqi o^ auioo OABq i 'sqnp
^qSiu ^soSxej s^joj^ avo^ ^b jo£bj{ oq^ ^q
paure^jania Suraq jo^jb ^nq 'punoj sbav pijoa\
oqq. }Bqi OAOipq y>u pip odojnjj ui aidooj,,
His greatest surprise lay in the fact that
buses were so crowded. When conditions were
explained to him he was deeply sorrowed to
realize that he had left his own Jeep at home.
The discoverer's first official comment was
to explain that he had not left Italy in a fit
of anger but had gone to Spain as a house-
guest of Ferdinand and Isabella and while
discussing world affairs they had persuaded
him to come to America as their representative
to invite The Lone Ranger to visit Spain for
a while.
The journey, he explained, was hard due not
so much to the terrific storms and sea monsters, but because the lightning caused the
lights to go out and in the confusion he lost
his copy of Superman and could not locate it
for some time.
He said his plans for the future will include
other than a movie contract, a course with
Charles Atlas to build him up physically. He
explains his rundown condition as being due
to the diet of hot dogs and cokes which was
the only food served and says he looks forward
to some "gold old American hard tack."
His parting comment as he left for the
neighborhood juke box to pursue his favorite
pastime, jitterbugging, was "Isn't the shortage
of Kleenex awful!"
Willy la Chick
In Crusades
Sahara Desert, March 21, 1112.
CRUSADERS ARE ON THE MARCH
AGAIN according to the office of William the
Chicken Hearted in the middle of the front of
the Sahara Dessert.
Rumors along the frontier told of the coming
of the Crusaders, but they were not accepted
until the "Fowle Men" were seen, guided by
Danny Boone, approaching a desert Oasis.
Here they caused a general uproar, because
the car hops, Pocahontas, Mary, Queen of
Scots, Matie Antoinette, and Madam Pompa-
door did not give them immediate service. The
Crusaders are divided into four groups. The
first plutoon is commanded by Geoffrey the
Dook of Chickenfoot; the second by Dale the
Lawd of Roostervilla; the third, by Sir Charley Duckteeth; and the fourth by Sir March
Cockadoodle. The commander-in-chief of the
Crusaders is Sir William, who had experience
in the poultry business some years before when
he was head of the Rooster Raiders.